[classical music playing]
[Charles] Gold is for the mistress Silver for the maid
Copper for the craftsman Cunning at his trade
"Good!" said the Baron Sitting in his hall
But Iron, Cold Iron Is master of them all
So, he made rebellion
'Gainst the king his liege
Camped before his citadel And summoned it to siege
"Nay!" said the cannoneer On the castle wall
But Iron, Cold Iron, Shall be master of them all
My world has become "Cold Iron."
You know, sir, some gentlemen find dropping off the Bachelor Board
imbues them with a sense of freedom.
Well, I find it humiliating. I keep having nightmares
about walking through the ball with my boxer shorts exposed.
The world's memory is shorter than you think, sir.
Neo Yokio high society never forgets.
[buzzing]
Hey, Aunt Agatha.
[Agatha] Meet me at Gene's at one. We have work to do.
Can't we just order in? I don't wanna go outside.
Today's special is squid ink fettuccine.
Well... that is the most melancholy pasta.
-That's my boy. -[line disconnects]
[Agatha] I know the last few assignments have been difficult,
and I want you to know I appreciate your effort.
Revenues are up, ten percent this quarter.
I hope the family puts the money to good use.
I sacrificed my social standing for it.
Hardly. The embarrassment will pass.
You may be off the Bachelor Board, but you are still certainly admired.
In fact, your next assignment is based solely on your sartorial reputation.
What are you talking about?
There's a problem at your old prep school.
My alma mater? Easton?
What's going on?
A group of girls are refusing to wear their uniforms.
But why? Easton uniforms are the pinnacle of teen fashion.
Apparently, they're heavily influenced by Helena Saint Tesoro.
Oh, the Helenists. They're the worst.
Yes. They're wearing hospital gowns and bandages
and they refuse to take them off.
Well, if I can undo the harm that Helena's done to the fashion world,
then it's my duty as a gentleman to repair it.
Perfect. I'll tell him it's a go.
[Kaz] Yikes.
[sighs] Hello, Kaz.
What happened in here?
This place is a wreck.
I feel no need to keep up appearances.
I'm never leaving this room again.
I'm hikikomori now.
Hikikomori?
[Helena] That's right. The outside world is a marketplace of illusion.
I'm over it.
Look, I was depressed after the ball, too.
I didn't wanna leave my room either, but it gets better. Trust me.
I'm not depressed about that stupid ball.
I'm withdrawing from the world because the world is total bullshit.
Well, you're still affecting that bullshit world.
I thought you'd like to know your fans took your stunt at the ball too far.
And now they refuse to wear their school uniforms.
-Who cares? -Only the headmaster at Easton.
He personally requested that I teach these wayward girls about elegance.
You really enjoy telling women what to wear, don't you, Kaz?
Don't make me the villain.
High school is not the proper place to experiment with style.
You once wrote a whole essay about the importance of a uniform.
That was the old me.
Now I hear people like you obsessing over clothes,
and, honestly, it makes me sick.
I'm not obsessed with clothes. I'm just an elegant man of taste.
In other words, a materialistic narcissist.
Well, Helena, I'd love to stay and chat,
but I gotta meet some friends at the polo club.
I'd invite you, but, you know, it's outside.
Enjoy being a shut-in!
[door slams]
Yo, what up, Kaz?
I thought you were never gonna come out again.
Feeling better?
You bet. Things are looking up. What are you guys drinking?
A Caprese Martini.
Caprese? Like the salad?
That's right. We invented it last week.
[Lexy] It's tomato, basil and mozzarella. But now, it'll get you lit.
It looks nasty.
[Gottlieb] Yo, don't judge a book by its cover. Try it.
Whoa. I'm in cocktail heaven.
Seriously, this is a million-dollar drink.
-You can make some real bank off of it. -We know. That's why we got a patent.
You look good holding that martini. You should be the poster boy for this.
I'm not sure alcohol really fits my personal brand anymore.
Starting tomorrow, I'll be sipping tea
and enjoying the view from the ivory tower.
-What are you talking about? -I'm gonna teach elegance at Easton.
-What? -You're practically the same age
-as the kids there. -Sadly, my youthful days
have been cut short
by a humiliating sequence of social disasters.
Yo, that's exactly why you should be the official Caprese boy.
No doubt. We're gonna set up a photo shoot for you ASAP.
We can give it a try.
But for now, the ivory tower awaits!
Ah, high school. Some people think Easton is just a place
for the children of the elite to socialize.
I believe it's a place for the children of the elite to learn and grow.
[school bell rings]
-Ready to mold the minds of the youth? -Indeed.
Check you later, Charles. [exhales deeply]
Hello, class.
I'm Professor Kaan, and I'm here to teach you about elegance.
Save your breath, old man.
You'll never convince us to wear our uniforms.
How would you know? You haven't even seen the syllabus.
For example, did you know that baby cashmere is--
We don't care.
Helena's given up on fashion, and so have we.
Well, I'm sorry, girls, but Helena Saint Tesoro has lost the plot.
Helena Saint Tesoro has not lost the plot.
Helena is the plot.
-And the author. -And the main character.
Perhaps at one time,
Helena was a suitable role model for teenage girls, but not anymore.
She's really quite sad now. She's gone... hikikomori.
Full hikikomori?
Hikikomori to the max.
She said she'll never leave her room again.
[in unison] Whoa.
Now, girls, does that sound like someone you wanna imitate?
Mr. Kaan, the headmaster would like to see you.
-Ooh! You're in trouble. -Busted.
Very funny.
While I'm gone, write 1,000 words
on the graceful geometry of cable-knit sweaters.
[students groan]
Kaz Kaan.
How are you, my boy?
Great. I'm already making progress with the girls.
-Yes, about that, Kaz. -Wanna see the syllabus?
That's quite all right.
The class is just a cover.
You mean I'm not here to teach elegance?
[laughs] Of course not.
This hospital gown thing is just a fad. And if they're still refusing
to wear their uniforms in a few weeks, I'll hire a proper, qualified teacher.
Oh, I see.
I need you in the school because I have reason to believe
there is a demon sympathizer working here.
At Easton? That's impossible.
We've seen a dramatic rise in occult activity.
Little demons have been making their way into school,
and I'm convinced that one of these damn teachers is responsible.
Someone on the inside is betraying Easton.
That's horrible. How can I help?
Embed yourself in the school, gain the trust of the teachers
and root the bastard out.
Headmaster, you can count on me.
[chattering]
Sorry to intrude.
Uh, I-- I wanted to introduce you to our newest faculty member Kaz Kaan.
He's teaching a class on elegance.
Hello, colleagues.
Yes. Well, ciao, ragazzi.
[Kaz] Hmm. Which teacher would be so transgressive as to help demons
infiltrate the city's most elite school?
I'm sorry, Donald, but you just don't understand geopolitics.
The ruble was in free fall. We did what we had to do.
[Kaz] Mr. Pontias is boring as ever, but a demon sympathizer?
Twenty minutes till game time, and our stick boy tells me
he left my stick on the subway.
Coach Elgort,
a man with such a pure love for sport would never hang with demons.
[humming]
Monsieur Moutard? The French teacher?
No way.
The French hate demons even more than Neo Yokians.
This is gonna be harder than I thought.
[piano music playing]
Is that Ravel?
Professor Muley, the music teacher.
He's always been an odd duck.
Well, hello, Ms. Kaz.
-Hey, Professor Muley. -What are you doing back at Easton?
I've been hired to teach the Helenists.
The administration thinks they're...
a little confused.
If anything's confused at this school, it's the dress code.
It is so conservative, just like you.
[laughing] My style is not conservative.
Girl, you are wearing khakis right now.
These are Ralph, though, Purple Label.
There's more than one way to look elegant.
Do you have anything aggressively Belgian? Something really oblique?
Hmm. Thom Browne?
What are you doing after school? Come to my apartment.
We can get high and have a fashion show.
Sure, that sounds fun.
[Kaz] I could look for clues in his apartment.
I'll see you there.
[Kaz] I like your apartment. It's very Bohemian.
You sit tight, I'll get some options.
[Kaz] Take your time, professor.
[Kaz] There's gotta be a clue somewhere around here.
[Muley] I'm surprised you don't wear more black, Kaz.
Aren't you prone to melancholy?
Oh, I wouldn't say that.
I have a generally cheerful disposition, although there are... exceptions.
I found the perfect ensemble with which you are already obsessed.
-Hold still while I drape you. -[rustling]
Let's see.
This is so much better.
Do you really think my personal brand can handle these clothes?
Your personal brand depends on these clothes.
You just need... a little shroud.
Maybe you're right.
Maybe I do need to shake things up a bit.
[Kaz] The Caprese boy has entered the building.
Man, what the fuck are you wearing?
Oh, I was just hanging with Professor Muley.
-He gave me a makeover. -Why are you hanging out with that dude?
He always gave me the heebie-jeebies.
-Me, too. -It wasn't social.
I'm investigating him.
-Investigating what? -I think he might be a demon sympathizer.
If there's a dude who likes demons at Easton, it's Professor Muley.
He's always dressing in all black, OD gothic.
-And his last name is Muley. -That's German for demon.
He got you looking like a wild chupacabra, my G.
-I mean, I thought it looked kind of cool. -No, dude.
It's not you, and it's definitely not Caprese.
-So, let's go get you looking right. -Yeah, I guess you're right.
We pulled a great look for you. This is definitely on-brand.
Now, let me see that Caprese face.
[school bell rings]
[Kaz] Hello? Girls?
Open the door. It's time for class.
[girl 1] You said Helena's hikikomori. Now we are, too.
[girl 2] We're not leaving this room, and you're not coming in!
[girl 3] We will die in this classroom!
This is absurd.
Open the door at once.
[girl 1] We'll consider letting you teach us
if you bring this letter to Helena.
How dare you blackmail me.
-[headmaster] What is going on, Kaz? -Oh, nothing.
It seems the girls have gone hikikomori inside the classroom.
Christ!
Hikikomori? Where did they get that idea from?
Technically, from me, but really from Helena Saint Tesoro.
More importantly, have you found the... [whispers] demon sympathizer?
I'm very close, I promise.
I just need a little bit more time.
A demon possessed my field hockey ball.
Oh, for fuck's sake.
I'll get it.
Excuse me.
Sorry. Keep studying.
[grunting]
I want the school back to normal by the end of the week.
-Clean up your mess, Mr. Kaan. -Yes, sir.
Hey, it's me Kaz again.
I came to apologize for earlier.
I brought a big Toblerone.
[Helena] You may enter.
[Kaz] Things have gone pear-shaped at Easton.
-Oh, yeah? -The Helenists are blackmailing me.
They won't let me back in my classroom until I give you this letter.
Well, the oppressor dictates the terms of the struggle.
Come again?
You tried to control these girls,
and now they're controlling your classroom.
Are those all from the Helenists?
Yeah. They send me so much fan mail, I quit trying to keep up with it.
You're clearly the only person they'll listen to.
Please come to the school and talk some sense into them?
I believe in you, Kaz.
You can solve the uniform crisis all on your own.
Look, I really shouldn't be telling you this,
but there's a demon sympathizer in the school.
I need to dedicate all my energy in finding him.
I could use your help with the Helenists.
[scoffs] Demon sympathizer?
Give me a break.
It's serious. Someone's letting them in. My gut tells me it's Professor Muley.
-Why? Just 'cause he's different? -That's exactly why.
So, will you help me?
Kaz, you need to respect my wishes.
I'm not leaving this room, and that's that.
[cell phone buzzing]
I'm sorry. I have to take this.
-[phone beeps] -Charles, what's cracking?
Professor Muley has returned to his apartment.
I'm on my way.
Helena, I hope you reconsider.
If not for me... for Easton.
Do you think that it's possible that we're barking up the wrong tree?
Perhaps, sir.
Let's review your case against Professor Muley.
-He dresses in black... -That's right.
and he possesses a broach with an occult symbol
that has been used in mainstream culture to such an extent
that it is almost entirely devoid of occult meaning.
When you put it that way, it doesn't make my case seem so strong.
Then again, you must always trust your gut, sir.
True.
-[line ringing] -[Muley speaking indistinctly over phone]
Hey, Professor Muley. I was in your neighborhood,
and wanted to see what you were up to.
-[Muley speaks indistinctly] -Uh-huh. Oh. I see.
Hmm. Okay. Well, see you at school tomorrow.
-[phone beeps] -What did he say, sir?
He said he's meeting a friend downtown.
And yet, it appears he is heading uptown.
But why would he lie?
Let's find out, sir.
Charles, have we ever been in this tunnel before?
No, sir. I believe this tunnel goes to Queens.
What is this place?
Long Island Walled City,
the densest housing development in Neo Yokio.
Man alive.
It's immense.
I'm afraid the pathways were not built to accommodate mechabutlers.
[Kaz] I'll take it from here.
-[Charles] Should I wait for you, sir? -No.
The boys are throwing a launch party for the Caprese Martini.
Go ahead, let them know I'll be running a little late.
[Charles] Good luck with your detective work, sir.
[Kaz] I knew it.
Kaz?
What are you doing here?
The real question is, what are you doing in this demonic chapel?
Demonic chapel?
This is a club.
My boyfriend's the DJ.
He spins Gregorian house.
[Gregorian chanting and house music playing over speakers]
I don't get it, Professor Muley.
Why would you lie to me about going to a club?
Because I'm a classically-trained musician,
and my boyfriend spins this embarrassing mess.
Please don't tell anyone I date a DJ.
Your secret is safe with me. Salut!
And what's the name of this delightful concoction again?
-It's a Caprese Martini. -It looks foul.
Come on, Professor Muley. Don't judge a book by its cover.
Hmm. You're right.
I guess you can't judge that book.
No kidding.
To think, I thought you were a demon sympathizer.
Have we met?
I don't sympathize with anyone.
[laughs] You crack me up, professor.
Order another round.
I'll be right back.
[gasps]
-[water splashing] -[Kaz humming]
[shrieks] I'm sorry. This is the men's room.
[Kaz grunts]
[Kaz grunting]
[muffled] Get me out of here. Ah!
Girls, what's going on?
Pranking your teacher is only appropriate on St. Crispin's Day.
This is not a prank.
I can't believe it.
You're the demon sympathizers?
Duh. We want to get possessed.
Just like Helena.
It's the ultimate tribute to our queen.
Trust me. You don't know what you're getting yourselves into.
Um, of course we do.
-We're sacrificing you. -Kiki thought of it.
You're sacrificing me?
But why?
Because before giving us the gift of possession,
the demons demanded an offering.
You, their greatest enemy.
Yo, Lord Mayor just ordered 20 martinis.
[Lexy] Great. Just keep in mind, we're running low on mozzarella balls.
This is one hell of a martini, gentlemen. And Kaz looks amazing in the campaign.
Speaking of Kaz, where is he?
[Charles] The young master should be here shortly.
He better hurry up. He'll miss his own party.
Do you feel anything yet?
Yeah. I'm totally getting possessed.
[laughs] This is so cool.
Helena?
I told you she reads our letters.
Thank God you're here.
Can you please talk some sense into these girls?
-I'm afraid I can't do that, Kaz. -What? Why?
[Helena] You're the epitome of everything that's wrong
with this wicked city.
You are vain. You are foolish,
and quite frankly, you're not even that elegant.
How dare you.
Preach, queen.
In fact, the only worthwhile thing about you
is your taste in luxury chocolate.
What?
[yells]
What in the name of Shakespeare's ass is going on here?
-The security firm just called me. -[Kaz] It's all under control, headmaster.
The Helenists were behind the Easton demons.
The Helenists?
Ah. Good God.
The board of trustees is gonna crucify me.
I don't know. I'm sure the board will be glad that we made some headway
on the uniform issue. Right, ladies?
Ladies?
[Helena] My God. They've disappeared.
[headmaster] What a dog's breakfast.
Oh, fuck it.
I'm abolishing uniforms.
-What? Why would you do that? -Because my school is destroyed
and I have three missing students,
all due to this restrictive dress code.
No. That's not it at all.
The Easton tradition of elegance is an eternal part of the school culture.
Balls to that.
Enough is enough.
Oh, and, Kaz,
it should go without saying that you're fired.
Ciao, ragazzo.
I don't get it. How did you know the Helenists were gonna kill me?
I had a dream that a Toblerone was in trouble,
and that Toblerone was you.
But still, I-- I thought you hated me.
I don't hate you.
I just wish you weren't such a lapdog of the bourgeoisie.
I can't help it.
It's my family business.
The truth is, I saved you because I owe you.
Owe me for what?
You're the one who opened my eyes.
About the uniforms?
No. About Neo Yokio.
The exorcism was the start of a metamorphosis for me.
It helped me realize I don't wanna be the poster child
for the inverted reality of the city state.
[cell phone buzzing]
Yikes! I forgot about my Caprese Martini party.
If we leave now, we can still make it.
Um, wanna come?
No, thanks, Kaz. I only left my room to save you.
But you should go to the party.
Enjoy it while it lasts.
Yo, look who it is.
Caprese Boy finally shows up to his own party.
Young master, how did you fare tonight?
I persecuted an innocent colleague, and my students tried to kill me.
-I'm done with academia. -Well, good news is the drink is a hit.
Oh, I'm glad to hear it.
And you're back on the board, number five.
You'll be top of the charts in no time, sir.
Kaz Kaan and Caprese Martinis,
two great brands headed straight to the top.
Can you feel the synergy, Kaz?
-Yeah! -Yeah!
[sighs] No. I feel no synergy.
[man singing in Swiss German]